I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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