She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
