Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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