She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
