Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
