Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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