how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
