NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
