ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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