Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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