if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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