how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
