my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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