Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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