got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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