Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
