On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
