when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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