apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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