i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
