Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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