I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
