i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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