If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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