I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
