I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
