after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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