halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
God, I missed his penis.
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