dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
