Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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