Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
