He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
