my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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