There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize