i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
