It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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