Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
