If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
