i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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