im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
How naked do you want me to be?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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