All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize