Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We need to get me chipped asap
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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