Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
