I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
