i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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