i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
