Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
