Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
