Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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