Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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