This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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