I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize