Where is the hickey?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
