So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want nice things and good sex
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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