I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
