I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
