Your face is a jimmy john
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
