Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
