At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
