You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
