yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
