Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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